July 31

Today the girls and I went to a birthday party of a little girl that we only see at birthday parties. This seems mean, but I don't particuarly enjoy being around children who have nasty mouths, are rude, are disrespectful and are violent. I get annoyed with the parents that won't discipline them and it ends up with me having a migraine and someone being offended.

Against my better judgement, we went to the party. 5 hours later after my migraine has subsided, I'm starting to feel a bit better. It was actually Nia that brought me out of my funk. Sometimes it seems as though my days are filled with phrases like these "You are so mean" "That's not fair" "I don't like this". Basically full of negative comments about my parenting by those being parented. But after going to this birthday party, Nia crawled up in my lap and started talking to me. This is the conversation:

"Mommy, I love how we live and where we live"

"Me too baby. This neighborhood is awesome and I love most of the neighbours as well"

"No I mean my room, the house and what we do during our life"

"In what way?"

"Well today when I was at (so and so's house) I looked around and I saw a lot of video games, TVs and junk food. But I didn't see anything with love in it."

"How do you see love?"

"Well when I draw you a picture, I love you and want to work hard on it because I love you. You always say to me that you love my pictures. So when you look at them, you see love. The same as my room and CC's room. I know you love us and worked hard to give us a nice house and room and toys and books, so when I see that stuff I see love."

"Wow, pretty insightful, kid"

"I feel bad for (so and so)."

"What makes you feel bad for them"

"Well they don't have the same start as I do."

"What kind of start do you have?"

"Well you and daddy make sure we have lots of books, lots of colouring things and craft things. We always have healthy food, even though I want junky snacks you make us eat healthy things. And I always have a clean bed. (So and so's) bed was gross. So was his bathroom."

"You sound like you are very grateful for what you have."

"I am mommy, thanks for giving me and CC a good start"

(((((((((SIGH))))))))))

For a six year old child, she is wise beyond her years.

Miracles can happen

One week ago I never would have guessed I would be sitting here telling you how much I love my dog. I probably would have thought it would be ridiculous to tell people that. It should be a given to have a pet and love it. But when you see that you almost loose something, it makes love more tangible.

After Scooby was hit by a car, I think I hit a bit of depression. I felt extreme guilt and remorse for the accident to have happened. I felt guilt over pushing him off my lap for the 400th time that hour because I just wanted a bit of space. I felt responsible.

Visiting Scooby twice a day in the ICU clinic was hell. There where times where I had to leave one or both of my girls at home and I hated that. Nia told me it was scary there as she cried in my shoulder one night. She cried about missing her best friend. Cyenna cried because she missed Scooby licking her face.

Well today was a joyous day. We carried him through the doors tonight. He was able to reunite with his best friend and lick all the faces he wanted. Scooby also had a special treat of baby back ribs tonight. Hey the vet said anything he can eat :)

Nia decided she is going to "hold the fort down tonight". She and I made a make shift mattress in our living room, where Scooby sleeps. She has a pen and pad and plans on writing down all his activity. She put a bell on his collar so if he moves it will wake her up. She has extra treats and a bowel of water for him. I laid with her for a bit as we laughed and even cried a bit about the past few days. Nia is a girl who is wise beyond her years.

So as I finish this for tonight, I am thrilled that my family is together again. I am eternally grateful to all my family and friends who prayed for our strength, Scooby and for the Vet to make excellent decisions. I can not say enough about how thankful I am for you all.

Life changes in a blink of an eye. I'm deciding to cherish everything I have more than ever now.

Scooby

Many of you know and love our dog Scooby. He has been the pampered prince of the house. Most that meet him, love him. Scooby is not your typical Chihuaha. He barks only at the doorbell and when he forgot that someone was at the house. He LOVES babies and most kids. Scooby likes to try to convert non-dog lovers by plopping onto their laps and looking lovingly at them. It usually works :)

Today was a day in blur. Around 1:30pm, some dear friends of ours came over. I was going to take their 3 kids and my 2 kids to a petting zoo (FUN!!!). But as fate had it, we never made it to the petting zoo. Scooby ran to the door as usual, I saw from my position in the kitchen who was at the door, so Nia opened the door. Scooby ran out before I could blink to the house across the street. A car was coming same time. Nobody saw the impact. Just heard the thud and Scooby's screams. I ran screaming into the street, neighbours came pouring into the street screaming and Nia by my side crying on her knees. I reached for him, he bit a chunk of my finger off (totally normal for a dog in shock). I started talking softly for him and ordered people around. Call Mark, Get me a blanket and a towel. Mark was on the phone, "Mark come home now, Scooby's been hit by a car" Then I hung up... Not a great communication on my part. Nia brought me towels quicker than I've ever seen her move. The poor girl who hit him was crying hysterically as well. She is a young girl 3 houses down from me. "I'm so sorry I never saw him. I always see you out with him playing. I'm so sorry". I wrapped up Scooby and kept talking. I hugged the young girl and told her it wasn't her fault. My dear friend drove me to the vet "Any vet, as long as it's close and open" as per my instructions. His wife stayed with the kids. Nia was quite the mess. The whole car ride, he cried and screamed. I rubbed him on his nose, talked to him and promised him a great big steak when he got home. I told him what an amazing creature he is and how much of a difference he has made in our lifes.

I got out of the truck, ran inside and told them Scooby had been hit by a car. The receptionist took him from me and straight back to the OR they went. I was shaking and tears were coming at this point. I held it pretty much together until Mark got there, then I just lost it on him. He held me while I cried. They brought us back to see him and true to form, he tried to get up to see me. With the little strength he had, he still gave back to me. He licked me (this time I let him lick my face). I sat with him and rubbed his face, talking softly to him. His heart rate went back up and he was stable. The Vet took him back for more Xrays, then he became agitated and the Vet asked me to come back. I came back and he settled down. It was like he was searching for me and needed me to comfort him.

Right now he is in the ICU at the Vet Emergency Clinic. He has NO broken bones. I was amazed at that. Scooby has a tread mark on his back. Yet has not one broken bone. But the extent of his injuries are serious and he is not out of the woods.

The house is very empty without him. I sat and looked at his bed for a while tonight feeling extra guilty for not giving him an extra treat here and there. Or for pushing him off me when I'm not feeling like being loved. If I could take those moments back, I would hold him on my lap until he was done. No more fighting over who fed Scooby last, Nia has sworn to making sure his bowl always is full.

Many tears and many prayers in this house tonight. I feel blessed to have so many wonderful friends, family and neighbours. I will keep everyone informed as to his progress.

July 13

On a fellow bloggers site, she had this survey and it looked like it might help fill in the day for me. Especially since I am still pretty tired from my 2.5 year old waking up so much at night these days...So for today, here we are :)


1. What was the first concert you attended (without your parents) and do you still listen to the band/artist today?

James Taylor and yes! I love him :)

2. Have you ever lied about reading a particular book to impress someone? What was the book?

No, I figure at some point I'm gonna look like an idiot. Might as well confess and be uneducated from the start.

3. What was the most recent show you watched on television?

House Hunters. I loooooove watching interior design stuff. My ideal profession would be a flipper!

4. Who would play you if your life was adapted for the big screen?

I have no idea...

5. Have you ever walked out of a movie theatre?

I'd have to be woken up to walk out. I have a bad habit of falling asleep during movies.

6. Which film is your guilty pleasure or you are most embarrassed to love?

Fast and the Furious or XXX. Big Vin Diesel fan

7. Who's your favourite female protagonist in books or movies?

Ok now that I'm being honest, AFTER I dictionary.com protagonist. I realized it would have to be Antonia Shimerda in the book My Antonia. Was a film in 1995 as well. But amazing book. That is where Antonia (Nia) comes from.

8. What’s the most overplayed song on your iPod at the moment?

Well I'd have to have an iPod for this one.

9. If you could live the life of any fictional character who would it be and why?

Denise Holton in The Rescue by Nicholas Sparks.

10. Team Jacob or Team Edward?

Unless we are talking ACC teams here, I got nothing to say...

July 11

Today Jack would have been 25. Jack is my cousin. I hate it when people say 'was'. I can't see how he is not my cousin now. It's been almost 8 years since he died at 17. Tragic will never describe the truth. That part of my family has never been the same. Ever since, there seems to be an unspoken pain in the chest. Nobody wants to talk about it, yet can't escape the subject. Today we all call each other and say "Hi". We chat about nothing, just making sure everyone is ok. But there is a heaviness in our speech. We know why we are calling. We feel each others pain. The pain never really goes away does it? It seems to me that we learn to ignore the pain, but it's always there.

Jack was the first person I lost in my life. Although I never really lost him. I know where he is... "Do not stand here and cry for me because I am not here. I do not sleep."

6 years after he died, I remember being in the room and sitting next to my Grandpa's bed as he took his last breathe. Nia was laying her head on my and Cyenna was nursing. My Grandma, his wife of 50+ years, at his side holding his hand. My mom at his other hand. We prayed and told him we loved him. Then he finally took his last breathe.

6 months later, my Grampy lay in a hospice bed, much like that of my Grandpas, alzheimers having eaten away at him for years, and watched him struggle to live. It was like he was afraid to leave my Granny. Or maybe afraid that she wouldn't be able to take the lead as she did for the 60+ years they were married. He suffered tremendously in the last moments. It was hell.

5 months later Jack's mom, my aunt, had a massive stroke and had a living will, that was executed. As much as I think what happened with her was pure and utter nonsense, the way she was mishandled by those surrounding her or that the people around her were leeches, I know that my aunt was finally at peace because she knew she was on her way to meet her son again. She still had a voice recording of Jack that she listened to often. This was a woman I wanted to be as a child. And I saw her lay there and suffer. A woman who gave her whole life. Perfect, not a chance... But where's the fun in perfection?

You might wonder why I have this picture here (stolen from my sister, thanks Kel). Growing up, we used to run around the farm seeing who could find the most 4 leaf clovers. My Granny would have a bowl of water for each of us to place our 4 leaf clovers in when we were 'finished'. Sometimes I would find 17 or 18 at a time. It is a happy memory from my childhood, one of many. Laying in the sun, for hours searching for them. Kelli and Jack laughing in the background, me intent on finding the most! Grampy and Granny would be sitting on the porch or the driveway waiting til we were done.

When I go back home, I have a tremendous amount of sadness as I visit a lot of gravesites and feel a lot of emptiness.

I stopped looking for 4 leaf clovers after Nia was born. I found her.

I am going to go tuck in my babies and cuddle an extra few minutes tonight.

July 7

Today I sat on the floor at the Mall and held the hand of a lost 3 year old boy named Tyler. I told him my named was Nikki and I had 2 little girls at home. He had big green eyes and tears on his cheeks. Tyler liked trains and dogs. I told him about my Chihuahua named Scooby. He calmed down after a few minutes and told him he was so brave and that Mommy was going to come back really soon. She was wearing a green shirt and shorts with pockets and he knew they had pockets because he put his race car in her bum pocket. In the next 10 minutes Tyler's mom came sauntering down the halls with a smug grin on her face. "Thanks" she called out as she snatched him up and off they went.

Twenty minutes later and 2 sunglasses purchased later, hubby and I are sitting in the food court, me with my dynomite sushi and him with his Manchu Wok plate; a mother is forcing, I mean forcing her baby into a stroller. Baby who was a mere 8-9 months old was screaming, like a newborn screaming. The mother sat back down and finished eating while this child screamed. She occasionally would turn around and push him down into the stroller. I felt sick watching this. One lady got up to go over and speak to the baby to try and calm him down. The mom told her "Oh he does this all the time".

Hubby and I were on a day date, so I promptly picked up the phone and called home to make sure my girls were ok. I don't know why these situations got to me so badly. I thought about these kids all through my 1.5 massage...

We came home and as Cyenna slept, I asked Nia if she wanted to do stuff she had never done before. So she ate cereal in the rain, helped me pick weeds in the rain and went swimming in the rain. It was exhilarating.

I am ending this as my girls are calling "Mommy come find us!" Time for me to find them!

Sometimes I wonder if someone moves the hands of time just to mess with us. I swear it seems like time flew too fast. We had some wonderful company today, some friends of ours came over to swim. It seemed super fast. I brough down cherries and ants on a log (celery with peanut butter and raisins... kids love them). Then before you know it they were off to do their own thing.

My neighbour has an adult daughter with LDs. Mary stays lonely throughout the day, so we've had her over the last 2 days. The girls LOVE it. Mary has a smile on her face and is coming out of her shell quite a bit. I am enjoying her company so much. She still has eyes of a child. I feel inspired being around so many clear eyes.

I was talking to a friend of mine of another culture. We were comparing Grandmothers and traditions. Amazingly, there wasn't much different aside from the type of food, language and clothing. I came to the conclusion that when we are little and old, we have clear eyes; able to see someone for what they are, not the race, culture, language or financial status. It's in the middle that we are clouded by fame, fortune and nonsense. Can you imagine how different life would be if we all had clear eyes?

As I head off to sleep tonight, I pray for my vision to be clear.

July 5

I love the heat. It brings back wonderful memories of my childhood in NC. Being outside in the heat, playing, swimming and then running inside for magical mom, dad or granny to have food and drinks ready. How much I took that for granted! Looking back how nice it was as a child to have all your needs met, yet I remember bucking A LOT (imagine that) at being told what my needs were.

I find life runs smoother in the summer. Kids are happier (minus a few overtired temper tantrums). They eat well, sleep well and listen well. Lately the only thing we have done is go outside and swim. Reapplying sunscreen every so often and refuel as well. The day flies by. At night, I watched them shovel food in their mouth and looked into their red tired eyes as I read them their book. I kissed them goodnight and off to sleep Nia went, NO problems. Cyenna is a young girl with a bit more exuberance at night, so I opted for a night time drive. Out before we passed Nia's school (1 mile away).

These are the times that I realize how much I miss Nia when she's at school. I sometimes find myself just staring at my little Indigo child. She has such a confident creative personality. And she is beautiful! We did lemon juice in the hair the other day (to help lighten her hair naturally).

I want to put a freeze on Cyenna's time with me as well. She has so much empathy and sincerity. And she is beautiful as well.

God surely blessed me with my children. I am going to finish here so I can go look at them while they sleep :)

First Blog

So this will mark my official first post on my Blog. I was a bit hesitant about blogging because, well honestly EVERYONE has a blog and why would anyone want to read mine when so many other cooler people have one. Then I figured oh what the heck...

So if you're reading this Blog, chances are you already know me and know my story... Or what I have shared with you ;-) As someone has described me before, I'm a bit of an onion, many many layers to me. I am not 'open' but willing to share, hesitant due to past experiences but willing to try new ones. I guess for some, more about me will be shared as the time is right and the mood strikes me.

In the midst of starting this blog, I am hearing my 2 daughters bathing, singing songs and I laugh as I hear some of the silly things they sing about. Right now it's mostly body parts and potty humour. Who would've thought there was so many songs about farting, pooping, peeing, and penis'?

Today is July 4th and as an American in Canada it's a big dud. Celebrations are on Canada Day, July 1st. So it's like celebrating a few days early. It was a beautiful hot summer day. We did a lot of swimming in our pool. Had a great time until Mark and I were playing in the pool and I took a pool skimmer to the head (by total accident I can assure you). Swelling has subsided and now it's just turning purple. Nice...

We have been ubundently blessed in our lives. Our neighbour (one of our blessings) had us over for a BBQ dinner, Greek style OPA!!! :) Dinner and company was amazing. Laughter never stopped. I can still chuckle to myself about things said and done.

Now that I have opened and closed this tab numerous times; Nia is asleep in her bed, Cyenna is dozing here in the office chair, Mark is snoring from the bedroom and cats are on the prowl for night duty. I was doing my 'work'. I do Mark's billings, but became distracted with Blogging.

At least I can scratch this off my Bucket List :) First Blog done and Posted!